2.26.2007

Out Of The Blue

I was sitting in church last night taking sermon notes. I was happy to be at church. I was listening and enjoying the message. Where did it come from? Nothing sparked it.

All of the sudden I was in tears. My chest tightened. I was overwhelmed with sorrow. I couldn't stop crying. I was sitting next to my mom and did not want her to see me sobbing. I held it in the best I could. Thankfully she was focused on the sermon. I opened my purse and got out my travel pack of kleenex. I had to use all of them to dry up my tears. So sad. Undescribably sad. Never have I experienced anything like it.

My thoughts were about my dad. From out of the blue it hit me like a ton of bricks. Is this part of the grieving process?

The day my dad died had been a busy one for my mother. She had hundreds of papers to sign and was gone much of the day. He, still being clear minded wanted to know what all was going on. She explained to him that the papers she was signing were insurance papers stating that she had to put up the house for collateral or something like that. I don't understand it completely myself. But he did.

My father worked so hard all of his life. My folks were good stewards. They didn't have a lot, but they managed to stay debt free for most of their lives.

What were my dad's thoughts the day he died? Did he know he was going to die that night? I sat in church crying and wondering if my dad prayed, "Lord, please take me tonight so my wife doesn't have to worry about money or losing our home." Did he want to die alone? Was he in pain when it happened? What exactly took him? Did he just go peacefully in his sleep? Was he scared?

I thought of many more scenarios and realized I could drive myself crazy if I continued. I had to stop. My head hurt. Pounding in fact.

I was happy when the service ended. I was anxious to get home. I think of my dad everyday, but that was rough. I don't know if my heart can take it.

It's been hard to think today and I am still so unbelievably sad. Is this normal? I love my dad and I miss him soooo much.

If you have a verse you could share with me today I would appreciate it.

And just in case you haven't heard these words today~I love you. I think we all need to hear them at least once a day. And I mean it too! I love all the friends I have made in Blogville.

Love, Amy

11 comments:

Pamela said...

Amy, out of the blue, those raw emotions can just be smothering when you hold them in and a much appreciated release when we let them out. It's good to let it out Amy.

Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits ~ who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
...Psalm 103:1-5

This is the verse that gives me strength when times are tough, when our body's ache, and our hearts yearn for a sign of hope...our soul will one day be renewed. :)

Linds said...

Amy, grief is something I know all too well. It is the sudden waves of sadness that almost suffocate you. Someone described them as suddenly being under a sodden mattress, and you have to fight to even breathe. And they come without warning. They will for a while. I have no idea how long though. They still come for me.

Goofy Girl said...

Wow, that sounds like a very intense time. To me it sounds normal, it sounds like you've been busy lately and it may not have processed enough before, but I don't know for sure. I hope that you can let out as much of your emotions that you can. :( I can't imagine how hard it must be though...!

Christine said...

Amy, yes, it's been almost 10years since my father passed away and every now and then I feel him near me, or I see or hear something that reminds me of him. He may be gone, but never forgotten. Especially on his birthday, and Father's Day. Those days seem to really bring on the grief. I don't think I'll ever get over these raw emotions of sadness, because I love and miss him so much.
Sending *HUGS*! I start to smile again when I think one day I will see him again! :)

Fiddledeedee (It Coulda' Been Worse) said...

Oh honey, I know. It hits you when least expected. Even years later!

On a completely different subject. I just tagged you for the "5 Reasons Why I Blog" meme. If you haven't already done it.

Pretty Lady said...

I find you in Pamela's blog but I want to say something to you: your tears are ok, in fact are great to let them come out but also please know that your Father is in a better place now. God bless you!

Michelle said...

Amy I wish I could give you a hug! I'm sorry it hit you so hard like that; I'm sure that grief affects everyone differently and it will probably come to you out of the blue, and when you least expect it. It's ok to cry and let it out. I found this scripture in the devotional "God's Gift for Mothers" - I can do all things through Christ which strengthened me. Philippians 4:13

Mommy, the Human Napkin said...

I've had moments like that. My grandmother passed away a little over two years ago and sometimes it seems like it was just yesterday. I find myself wondering how she would have handled certain situations and whether or not she experienced the same emotions, troubles, and headaches that I do as a mother. The pain never really goes away and sometimes it's overwhelming. But I know that she is with God now and she's not hurting any more. I'm overjoyed for her, but sad for the rest of us because I know my grandfather and the rest of the family miss her. Praying for you!

Carol said...

After three years, thoughts of my dad still occasionally creep up and take me by surprise in the most unexpected places, reducing me to a puddle of tears. Keep carrying tissues in your purse, is all I know to say.

J-Dawg's Realm said...

Hi Amy :)
I havent had a chance to stop by in a while, but this blog really touched me. My grandparents and I were very close. In theirlater years, they lived with us so my father (only child) could take care of them. My grandfather passed in 1996 while i was on the road, and my grandmother in 2001. Recently, digging through an old box, I came across an old letter she had written to me, probably in 1995 because I was in Texas at the time. In that letter was a passage:

If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
If I settle on the far side of the sea,
Even there your hand will guide me,
Your right hand will hold me fast.

Psalm 139

I hope this find you with a happy smile.

J

(from my blog http://jdawgs-realm.blogspot.com/2006/12/quote.html if you care to read it) :)

Beth said...

Amy, I do not have a verse for you. Just my words to tell you that I am so sorry you lost your Dad. How truly blessed he was to have a wonderful daughter like you. I will pray for your strength and your comfort and your understanding. There are so many of us with our "bloggy" arms around you, may you feel the peace we are sending you and the prayers that surround you.